Gimme all you got, BITCHES!!!

IT'S BLACK FRIDAY, YOU CONSUMERIST BITCHES!!!

Gimme all yo shit

GET THIS PARTY STARTED!!!!

Not enough shit, BITCH!

HEY, COMMIE!!! THERE'S STILL SOME ROOM IN THAT FRONT CART!!! Don't you LOVE JESUS ENOUGH??? Don't you SUPPORT THE TROOPS? What would the TROOPS say??? I want to see some COMMITMENT, PEOPLE!!!

HAHAHAHA

That's MORE LIKE IT!!! If you're not willing to DIE for My Little Cabbage Patch Nano Plasma-Screen Grand Theft Auto Barbie Playstation Blu-Ray Junior Makeup Pony Day, I feel SORRY FOR YOU.

You MUST be up all night, filled with the holiday spirit and the willingness to TRAMPLE OTHER SHOPPERS to convince me of your love of Jesus' birth. You MUST be willing to KILL YOUR FELLOW AMERICANS to protect your valuable freedom to CONSUME PRODUCTS that will ENSURE YOUR FAMILY'S HAPPINESS. And you MUST do it...for MY entertainment!

DON'T FEAR THE REAPER...WHEN THE REAPER HAS BARBIE PLAYSETS FOR 75% OFF! NOW SHOW ME A WOMAN WHO TRULY LOVES THE LORD...AND HIGH-FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP!

Yeah, BABY!

THAT'S what I'm talking about, people! Did Jesus die on the cross so you could LEAVE ROOM in your SUV? NO!! That would be WASTEFUL!!!

I'm so tingly. I'm SO tingly. What will this year's coveted item be? A $50 Blu-Ray DVD player??? A $200 eMachines laptop? Something to do with "Hannah Montana"? And where will this year's KILLING FIELDS be located? Wal-Mart? Best Buy? Circuit City? Which TEMPLE of RELIGIOUS FERVOR will see the most tramplings, the most gougings, the most Frappuccino-fueled epsilon consumerist greed?

I don't know. But I can't WAIT! Until then, I'll have to content myself with this scene from Black Friday '06, when the "seven-minute countdown" rule descended into Pakistan-style anarchy and chaos, when it transpired that the super-duper computer deal that lured these frenzied folk into the West Mifflin Wal-Mart referred to only SIX computers. Enjoy!

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